October 13^th, 2012

My Other Baby

     Today is the due date of my other baby. It’s only a birthday I celebrate in my mind. It’s the special way I remember every year the passing of life that almost came through me. It was important to me to wait the nine months before trying to get pregnant again, in honor of this baby.  Today this baby would be one year old and I wouldn’t know Grace.  I know the Lord works in mysterious ways.  I also know the sadness that falls on your heart when a baby you expect to meet and grow with is taken before it is born. 

     I believe in good and evil.  I remember the night I awoke from a dream so hideous and terrifying I am sure it was put in my head by the devil.  It was the night I lost the baby. I was crying my eyes out but even through the maddening tears and pounding in my head I could hear the Job verse,. "The lord giveth the lord taketh away".  I went to the doctor for the ultrasound. The heartbeat was gone. Case closed. That simple.

     But not that simple at all.  And fast forward a few months down the road to October 13^th, 2011.  It was the day I was supposed to be giving birth to my other baby.  I was driving down the road and I was crying hard. I was angry and sad and mad at God.

     For some reason I had the radio tuned to a Christian station full of static and judgement and I had it turned up loud. I prayed hard to God, “Why oh why could you make my heart hurt so bad?” I actually said the words out loud. And He answered me. A soft choir began to sing on the a.m. station, “the Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away”. I pulled the car over and I wept. And I grieved. And I mourned. And I took comfort.  The next month I was pregnant with baby Grace.