August 28^th, 2012

Bumble Bee

 

      The hormones are kicking in, the adrenaline is wearing off, the sleep deprivation has taken hold, and I’m on my bed crying in the dark.  Then suddenly, in the midst of all my feeling sorry for myself, it hits me like a ton of bricks. I SHOULD BE ENJOYING THIS.  No, seriously, I SHOULD!  Gracie is sleeping on me and Hailey is sleeping snuggled close and I'm crying my eyes out.

     And then suddenly, I’m home. Grounded in the peace that is babies slumbering.  Totally present in the moment. Aware.  Aware that I'll only have them like this for such a short time. My whole life I'll look back at this time and I won't remember the aches or the time outs or the tired.  I'll look back and I’ll just remember these precious souls snuggled in my arms, so tiny and fragile and innocent. It seems like forever and it's only a tiny little glimpse.

     Gracie's head is soaking wet from my tears. Her hair is nothing more than fuzz.  It reminds me of the fuzzy on a bumble bee. And it smells so good. I remember when Hailey quit sleeping on my chest. It will happen to Grace too.  I wondered at the time, “Will it ever end?” It does.  I will sleep again without a slumbering bundle rising and falling against my chest, our breaths in unison. I will probably cry again then, too, but for very different reasons.