God Has Not Promised

There is a saying people have told to me throughout my life, "god never gives you more than you can handle." To that I say, "Bullshit and crap. He most certainly does." This past year I have been handed way more than I thought I could handle. My heart was ripped out, bruised, bloodied,deceived, and punched. But I had to handle it anyway because life goes on. It goes on even when everything you counted on has forsaken you. It goes on when friends are hard to find and family is far away. Life goes on when babies need to be fed, bills need to be paid, and hair needs to be shampooed. Sometimes life goes on despite our own best efforts to take a break from it. God does give us more than we can handle. Sometimes. And sometimes people are dealt way million times worse things than this. Sometimes faith is taken for granted until we are pushed against the wall. Sometimes we breakdown and break apart. Sometimes we fail, sometimes we fall, but grace carries us on gentle wings and when we land and the pieces of the kalidescope start to form beauty can be seen again. Anger can dissipate. Hearts can heal. Time can forgive. I don't know what I beleive in anymore. I don't know what it means when people say, "god has a plan. These things happen for a reason." Perhaps. Perhaps not. But I have been blessed with two small girls who need a mommy who is whole and loving and full of laughter. And so while there are times where I want to set it all down and cry and quit I can't. Because staring up at me are big round eyes full of life and love and hope. They are the faces of angels staring up at me. Their love holds all the answers to the questions my heart is seeking.